There, I said it.
It took me far too long to admit it, but commitment terrifies me. The persistent paralysis induced by an active fear of committing to anyone or anything prevents me from truly living.
- This fear prevents me from pursuing what I love — namely, writing: writing on this blog and writing to challenge myself in the pursuit of excellence. I fear falling short of the insurmountable expectations I have set in place for myself, and I fear falling short of the expectations of others. That fear is unimaginably crippling.
- This fear prevents me from experiencing healthy relationships. Beneath my ferocious loyalty to the people around me lies a fight or flight instinct that either tempts suspicion towards the motives or legitimacy of interpersonal relationships or tempts me to flee any and all emotional attachment before it destroys me.
I have come to realize that there is risk involved in anything worth pursuing. I fear relinquishing my grip because it means risking criticism, heartache, and vulnerability.
Commitment is a scary thought because I recognize my own weakness and it frightens me. Despite this, the essence of a life well-lived is understanding there will always be unpredictability, messiness, and inevitable suffering, and still choosing to move forward.
It is only when I embrace vulnerability and let go of my imaginary grip of control that I find true freedom from fear. I used to think that my attempts at planning the entirety of my future were freeing. Attempting complete and utter control over all aspects of life is not an expression of freedom.
The key to escaping fear is a trust in something outside of yourself — a trust in the sovereignty and goodness of God. Freedom is found in Christ, and with that assurance, fear is nowhere on my radar — is it on yours?